i feel beautiful tonight
i still miss him on nights like these
i’ve been trying to write this poem for a long time
i fell back into you like gravity. because being with you is like falling and theres no place to fall but into your arms and we never were any good at being friends anyway. it was okay for almost all of it it really was i was laughing and joking and staying just far enough away but its like we’re fucking magnets we can never stay so far apart and i found myself so close that i could feel your breath on my lips and your smell oh god your smell it was like you’d never left because being with you is lightness and remembering and laughter and a two piece puzzle. and driving down route 33 in your car (what is it about driving and cars and that goddamn road) listening to the mal blum song i listened to the very first time we broke up i remembered what it felt like six months ago racing the clock to fit in as much love as we had left crying while we made love in your room because goddamn we both knew it was the end. we both knew it. and driving with you today it all came back after i’d tried so hard to forget and i wanted to hold your hand but instead i drank cold coffee tasting your lips on the cheap styrofoam of the cup and i closed my eyes. and then later pressed behind that frozen waterfall you kissed me like i knew you would because we never manage not to and you pressed me into the ice and stone and kissed me warm again and i put up walls behind my eyes because i couldnt let myself look at you the way i wanted to so instead i laughed and made a joke and turned to look at the pale green ice instead. then later tangled up in eachother hot sweating all lips and teeth you told me you wanted to fuck me and i broke a little bit when you said that because maybe that’s all i am to you, the easiest fuck, and shit i can’t be that to you because you’re still so much more than that to me. you’re the center of the earth hot and burning in my hips and i can’t stop falling. and now lying in my bed im listening to the music we listened to that night in my bed, that golden beautiful night. i know i will think about that night when i am 80 and dying i will think about it and feel this same ache in my heart. that moment is a part of me and you are a part of me and i really thought someday we’d wake up next to each other like those lakeside mornings and the late nights with winestained kisses and fervent silent love. and yes maybe we’ll have those bitter blackcoffee spats, torn pages of lolita and torn feelings in my chest but we’ll make it up by falling asleep in a sunny patch of grass by the water together and picking out lacy cottages to live in when we’re old. she could tell, you know, that old lady on her porch. blind as she was she could hear it in your voice that you loved me but i can’t help but wonder when you kissed me goodnight. and you said ‘let’s do this until one of us is in a steady relationship’ this whole ‘fucking’ thing and i wished for a moment that it was us and i couldn’t help but remember that deal we made in february of last year. we said we’d be friends with benefits whatever that entailed but god we both fell in love didnt we? and here we are february exactly one year from then and i cant do this again.
i’ve been thinking a lot about the concept of home lately
i don’t really have one right now.
i think this is the best thing i’ve written in a while.